"My ministry has a policy that I do not dine alone with a woman, even in very public settings."6/30/2014 "Thank you for hosting me for lunch after chapel. I think your suggestion for others to join us for lunch is very good. My ministry has a policy that I do not dine alone with a woman even in very public settings (i.e. university cafeteria). Perhaps {male Professor so-and-so} could join us or some other male staff member or students."
This is a real excerpt from an email I received about 7 months ago. I journaled my response at that time. Below you will read that response, plus a poem follow-up that I recently wrote about it. Perhaps this speaker is so awesome and famous that secret Christian paparazzi stalk him and try to take his picture sitting across a cafeteria table from a female. That would really make the news, wouldn't it? I'm sure people would note the napkin dispensers, cafeteria plates, and crowds of university students around, and say, wow, that speaker is clearly an immoral man. If he's not careful, people might think he's going to have sex with this female right there on top of the cafeteria table in plain sight of the hundred or so people present. Yeah, he's right, I had better arrange a male to join me. Yeah, because if a male is sitting right next to us, as opposed to several seats or a table away, then we'll probably have enough accountability present not to jump each other's bones. Yeah, because male Christian leaders/speakers never get tempted by other men, so there is no need for a policy about not dining in a cafeteria "alone" (which actually isn't even possible) with another man. Yeah, there's definitely no need for that because no one would ever think him capable of homoerotic thoughts or actions. Men--they can be trusted. The female, of course, cannot be trusted. By nature she must be a temptress, capable of working her sexual magic across the cafeteria tables to the undoing of the man. And the man, of course, must be completely unable to control himself, a weakling unable to resist her powerfully sexual signals being sent through the barrier of the napkin dispenser. The above paragraph marks the publishable end of my original reaction to this offensive email. Below is the poem format response I wrote just a couple weeks ago. Enjoy. Am I Acceptable Now? "My ministry has a policy that I do not dine alone with a woman, even in very public settings." What if I'm 215 poounds instead of 115... Am I acceptable now? What if both my breasts are gone from a double mastectomy... Am I acceptable now? What if my vagina is nearly sewn shut and my clitoris is cut off... Am I acceptable now? What if I am covered with a black cloth from head to toe so you cannot see my shape nor my skin... Am I acceptable now? What if my face is burned from acid so I appear grotesque to you... Am I acceptable now? I am 5 feet 7 inches tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, dimpled, 115 pounds, and don a pair of 30 DDs. I am not dangerous. I am not a temptress. I am acceptable. I am safe. Get a hold of yourself, man, and have a professional lunch with me in a very public place.
5 Comments
Bri B
6/30/2014 03:41:51 am
Thanks for posting this Val. This has longtime been a struggle of mine. I've asked to have coffee or lunch with a pastor in the church yet been told church finances cannot be spent on something that could appear in poor taste. So I've been advised to have lunch with the pastor's wife, yet she's told me "I cannot advise you spiritually" so I cannot talk to her. Unfortunately no one in the church can advise women. Additionally, I appreciate you addressing the hypocrisy of pointing out all men are "only tempted by women," not men.
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Janine Jorgensen
6/30/2014 06:05:53 am
I have often been the recipient of this type of judgement as a woman in the church and a divorced woman. I was not divorced because I wanted to be but because I was married to an immoral and violent man. I was told time and time again that I would have to be watched to see what my "walk" was like before I could serve in any capacity in the church and was held at arms length by many as if I were immoral. It is a good thing that tattoos were not as common then because I would have probably been shown the door in some instances. As a married couple, and family, my husband, son and I have faced rejection because of a behavioural disorder that our son has. People have judged us and distanced themselves from us from lack on understanding or even asking us how they could help us. When Jesus was on earth and even now, he interacts with us on an individual basis. He loves us where we are and helps us to be like Him if we put our trust in who He is and who He says we are in Him. I have often wondered if I stopped attending a "traditional" church, what would be the harm. When people are pushed out the door, every day for being different, difficult or inconvenient, is it any wonder they reach anyone at all? Janine, a hopeful future member and proponent of the home church movement.
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6/30/2014 06:37:54 am
Thank you for that response! I have had this fuming anger inside of me for years in regards to the STIGMA females get from society in general and certain specific religious groups (from Judaism to Islam to Christianity). The BURDEN of sexual responsibility is dumped upon a female as soon as she begins puberty, sometimes (horrendously & ridiculously) before puberty!
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Leslie M.
6/30/2014 08:42:35 am
This reminds me of some frustrations I had at HU. In (secular) high school I had many platonic male friends with whom I could socialize with, even one on one without anyone insinuating that something inappropriate was happening. Once I came to HU, it appeared that females were only allowed to have friendships with males as a precursor to romantic relationships. To go on a walk alone with a male meant 30 others had seen you and were plotting your wedding color scheme.
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Jenn Beebe
6/30/2014 10:15:17 am
Seriously! And it takes other woman to say this behavior is "safe" or "moral", but alas it does not help sexual morality to treat woman like this
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Valerie GeerWriter. Women's activist. Theologian. Providing authentic reflections from a female perspective. Archives
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